It is kind of early to be talking about holidays, but for me it is the season that is upcoming that is missing something big, my mom. I seem to get more sad right before Halloween knowing we used to go to her house to show her the girls in their costume for one second and she was thrilled, and we can't do that anymore. Knowing she has never seen lil Em in any costume, and that her lil man is gtting big. It is a rough time.
Thanksgiving is a time I always saw my mom's side of the family. It is weird sitting at my gram's and not looking across from me and seeing my mom drinking a glass of wine. I feel like we are sitting at Thanksgiving thankful but angry and sad at the same time that mom is not here. I think I have been going to my gram's house every year since I was a kid and for me it is childhood and my mom and gram all in one. This year, like all others, we have to split our day and include my dad somehow, J's family and my gram. We usually start at my grams and move back towards home. This year, my aunt has made the decision to not cook since we are only coming for part of the day as it is a lot of cooking for just a little time together. My sister will be in Philly so my gram and aunt only have us this year. I guess my sister is right when she has once stated a little time is better than no time, but since we are always rushing my aunt made it easier for us by not cooking. Easier? How can I eat Thanksgiving somewhere else? I have always eaten it there. I suppose I will go there for dessert, but I feel like my heart was ripped out of my body and thrown on the floor. I don't get to see my gram alot or my aunt for that matter. I don't have free time much to do anything, so I do look forward to the Holidays as I do believe it is for family. Oh well, I am sure my mom would not be happy that it is this way, and I am sure not happy, but I certainly won't push any harder for it.
Next year when my sister is around, we will probably be invited for the fact they have company for the day and can cook, but to me it isn't about the cooking. They could have said they weren't cooking, had a few appetizers and said we were welcome there. I felt we were more of an inconvience than anything else.
My husband hates running all the time and last year we had Christmas at my sisters to accomodate her husband's side and we were mad we couldn't cook and have it at our house. My aunt called and told us it was important we were somehow together for the day. I respected it and went over to my sister's house and we actually had a great time. Her husband's family are really very nice to us and I enjoy their company. Funny though how it isn't about family this year. I am going to make it about it somehow. I will probably stop over for dessert if they are home and say hello even though I will be uncomfortable. If not, I will be sure to come visit gram a different day, maybe dinner together. The week before is lil B's birthday so I am sure I will see them.
I just am bummed, flat out. Tis the season!
